Waiting

Facebook has turned into somewhat of a journaling experience to a certain degree, but like all of social media it’s a curated and filtered view. I don’t talk about the things that scare me most here, and for the most part I’m posting in the moments when I feel like I have things somewhat under control for a brief moment. Today was a good day, but the reality is this is hard. The kind of hard where I have locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried for twenty minutes. But then you get back up and go back at it because what else are you going to do?

As we’ve had a few more employees test positive I think, where did we go wrong? How did it get here? I second guess every decision that was made along the way. And yet I know other good places with far better administrators where it happened to them too.

I calm my mind through planning. As we wait for the results of the testing we plan for the worst. We don’t know when the results will finally come. We don’t know how many asymptomatic employees will have to be sent home and how many asymptomatic residents will need to be transferred to isolations units. My mantra with the team has become “Assume you have it, assume everybody else has it too, and act accordingly.” I found out my HR director has taken that advice to heart. “I hope you’re not offended. After you leave I Lysol the chair.” It doesn’t offend me. I’m just grateful she doesn’t Lysol me directly.

Fortunately, I work for a great company that has encouraged me to start overstaffing. Double the nurses. Extra CNAs every shift. That way when the results come we will hopefully have sufficient. Right now the team is loving the extra hands, but I warn them what the plan will be when we get the results. Some of the hands will most likely go home. Those who are left will have a hard job in front of them.

Then there is all the self monitoring. Do I have a fever or is it just hot in here? Is that the beginning of a sore throat or is my throat just dry because I have been wearing a mask for two hours and really need to drink something.

I will be relieved when I get my results back this week. I take my laptop home every night just in case I’m not allowed to go back because even if I’m not physically present it will be hard not to try to help even remotely.

I’m totally inconsistent at home, something that also gives me guilt. Sometimes I mask at home especially in those hours when my Claritin is wearing off. Other times it’s hard to say no when Caleb crawls into my lap. I miss them. As it is Whitney sleeps in the living room and I sleep back in the bedroom now just in case I have it. Social distancing from your spouse is no fun.

I think the hard part is knowing that even we get through this part of the process, it will not be over. New cases could still occur. Even after stay at home orders are lifted, I imagine we will still be tightly locked.

The good thing is I have a lot of support. There is the emotional support from friends and family. My leadership team has stepped up. I have coworkers who have proactively taken things off my plate. I also see a therapist because I hope to learn things that will help me help my employees, and also because it’s hard.